FEATURED DATING & RELATIONSHIP VIDEOS

Some things you may not want to hear but need to hear! Those are the truths that Relationship Coach Ken Canion shares with women, couples, and all his clients. Straightforward, charismatic, unapologetic, and authentic is how I describe him, and in my opinion, a breath of fresh air.

So, I’m excited to have had the opportunity to sit down with Coach Ken and focus on how the way many of us communicate leads to the destruction of relationships.

Applying Coach Ken’s “3 Laws of Effective Communication,” you’re almost guaranteed to see an improvement in many of your relationships, be it your romantic, professional, or other personal relationships. Here’s a part of that interview.

Question: Coach Ken, thank you for joining us! Let’s start off by telling our readers what you do in the dating & relationship world?

Ken: Sure. What I always tell people is that I'm a personal development relationship coach, but just shorten it to Relationship Coach. In my videos everybody calls me “Coach,” but I’m really a personal development expert. I just happen to concentrate on relationships.

Question: And who do you primarily work with within the relationship space and what can one expect during an initial session with you?

Ken: I work with everyone, but my primary clients and audience is women. Specifically, women from age 40 to 64, who earn an average of $78,000 a year, have one and a half kids, and are either divorced or single.

Now, I always say this - the first session always evolves around the pain point. My clients

affectionately call me the “Doc” not because I have a Ph.D. or an MD, but because people come to me when they're in pain. Something compelled them to call me, right? So, the first thing that I do is, work backward. I always start with the end. What compelled you to call me and now let's work backward and talk about how we ended up getting in the process of us determining how we got here along the way. I bring out some truths to clients to understand what brought them to this point. Now sometimes people want to stay surface, but I have to dig deeper because I have to help them understand who they are before we ever can understand how the situation manifested itself to become what it is.

And so that's my process.

I take them on this journey. And it's a very casual journey at first because I want people to feel comfortable, but the deeper we get into it, the more we touch on things that they've either hidden, don't want to address, or don't want to reflect on but it's necessary to help them understand. Here's why I am here and here's where I need to go to get out of this situation.

Question: Nice. Now how long do you typically work with clients? Do you recommend a minimum number of sessions or is it ongoing?

Ken: That's a very good question because once we do the deep dive, based on their relationship goal, I tell them what's necessary to get you there and here's what we have to do. Some people really require some healing, and you shouldn’t walk into a new relationship until you are healed. So, what happens is, once we assess and I explain to them what's going on, I diagnose them and tell them what's happening, and here's why you feel the way you feel. 

Basically, I tell them what we have to do to heal. We got to work on this insecurity. We got to work through this thing that you have been conditioned to do since you were a child or your abandonment issues, for example. Once we begin looking at that process, I say you need to be with me for the next six months or the next year. And then depending on how bad they want to get out of it and stop feeling the pain, I’ll apply the necessary protocol. However, I don't do anything less than 3 months, because most people and let me be clear – MOST PEOPLE DON’T WANT TO CHANGE. MOST PEOPLE

JUST WANT TO FEEL BETTER. I want you to think about that. They just want to feel better.

However, they come to you because they're in pain. Once the pain is alleviated, the solution to the problem doesn't carry the same weight. And so, what I do is remind clients of that. And I only work with 11 clients a year – that’s it, because working with me is an investment of time, energy, money, and resources, because you're going to have to do some work. And this one is going to cause you to go places that you had not thought about before, but it's also going to help you at the end of this road. You're going to be a better version of yourself. And that's my process. 

Question: That’s great! Now, how do you assist women who are in professional, high level, power positions relate to men in personal relationships? 

Ken: I help those type of women balance their masculine and feminine energy. That's a huge issue because I explain to them that the masculine energy used at work is necessary because it’s a masculine grid and business, and it works. But when you come home, if you don't know how to balance it, you're alienating your husband, friend, or significant other.

A big part of my coaching is helping them understand what it is and then how to balance it. It’s a huge, huge problem, much more than you know.

Question: Oftentimes communication is an issue in many relationships. How do you address the communication barrier with your clients?

Ken: Sure. I have "3 Laws of Communication" that I share with my clients in order for them to have great relationships.

3 Laws of Communication

1) Say It - The first law of communication is that you must be willing to say it. Lack of communication always leads to less communication. If you're not willing to speak about whatever it is, what happens is you get angry, because the other person doesn't know what you're thinking. You can never focus on resolving the issue because the truth is, it only residing inside. So that's number one.

2) Focus on the Message - The second law of communication is to focus on the message. What I mean is, a lot of us change the way we talk and change our tone because we're so angry and mad that we just want to get it out and just want to hurt them and you're not focusing on the message. We get focused on the messenger and not the message. 

So, one of the things that I teach is that when you're angry or when you feel intense emotion, “Say the emotion without showing the emotion.” 

Let me give you an example. Not too long ago I was angry with my wife and felt vulnerable. So, I told her that I was angry, but when I said it, I was smiling, but I said I am angry. Now what happens is my wife asks, “Why are you mad?” I didn't give or get an attitude. People often give you an attitude because you give them attitude first. But when you tell someone your emotion without showing the emotion, the other person is like, “Okay, what’s wrong?” You want to focus on the message, and that's the second law.

3) Delivery - The third law of communication is to deliver based on the party receiving the message. I always say that you need to mirror their communication style. If a person is talking softly, then I speak softly so that they can hear my message automatically. If somebody is straightforward, don't beat around the bush. I'm going to be straightforward and not beat around the bush because I don't want them not to hear the message playing. People beat around the bush and they like dancing around it. Like what is it? 

Alter your communication based on the person receiving the message. Communication is huge and is paramount for a successful relationship. So, I help clients understand their dominant style of communication. Then, I help them figure out if it is serving them.

A lot of people don’t even communicate – they withdraw. They go in their cave, but you have to be willing to communicate differently for effective communication.

Question: What about the person who says that changing their approach is “not them” or is not authentic?

Ken: The authenticity is based on what you have to say because that’s the most important thing. The message is the most important thing, and you want to make sure that the receiver receives the message that you're sending, especially if you’ve argued about it in the past. Your delivery style can give the wrong message, so you have to ask yourself what's the most important thing - Is it the message or the delivery? 

ABOUT

Specializing in human behavior, Ken Canion is a personal development coach and relationship specialist who has been transforming people’s lives for over 20 years. In his relationship coaching, Ken helps couples resolve conflicts and build dynamic cultures. His personal development techniques help singles create a deeper love for themselves, which allows them to connect with others on a deeper level. For additional information or to contact Ken Canion, visit: https://grandcanions.com/

Question: Thanks for joining us Coach Reg! Let's just start off by telling our readers how & why you became a Relationship Coach.

Reginald: Sure. So I Started coaching informally as early as 2007, really and just kind of didn't really do anything with it. At the time it was really more life coaching because I had friends, men, and women, who would seek me out to have both personal and professional conversations and want to kind of figure out a way forward or think through whatever that choice or decision that they were faced with. And so, that's kind of where it began, and in 2016 I decided to stand my practice up formally and again, at that time, initially, it was life coaching.

Then I had some people kind of work with me a little bit and kind of delve into it a little deeper to kind of figure out where I was best suited in this space in coaching? It was more relationships, and that was because of my own personal experiences.

I had been married and divorced twice, and at 35 I had two marriages that did not work and I had not worked out at that time. I was kind of embarrassed and ashamed and that's when I really took the time to heal, and work, and kind of unpacked my choices, and decisions, and why I made those. And I had to make some tough choices and I made the decision to look inwardly, introspectively, to think through why I made the choices I've made.

That helped me, because, in spite of my marriages failing, I still believe in family, I still believe in quality relationships and I didn't want anyone to experience what I had experienced, quite frankly. If I could spare them from it or save them from it, that would be my heart's desire. So, in coaching it allows me to live that out. My clients today are high achieving professional men and women who have attained any of their professional goals but do not yet have the interpersonal relationships to best compliment him or her. I coach around challenges varying from persons who are considering dating, those persons coming out of a relationship, and those persons in existing relationships who decide to strengthen and sustain it. I have a model that speaks to supporting and serving clients in that space. So, no matter where you are, being single or in an established relationship, the model will work for you.

Question: Briefly tell us about your prior marriages and how those experiences play a part in your coaching model.

Reginald: Yeah, I was a kid. We were babies. I was 21 and she was 19 -  that should tell you something, right? We didn't know ourselves much less each other, not long after we had children. I have two sons, two adult sons. In my second marriage, I didn't even take time between the first to the second, because I didn't know. And this is the mistake a lot of people can make; you go from one relationship to the next relationship. It’s another evaluation and assessment of your choices and why. I've heard people say they perform autopsies on their relationships. I get the metaphor, and it makes a lot of sense, because you're doing a deep dive to understand the choices you made and why, what worked and what didn't.

In coaching, those are the kinds of things that we look to uncover when I work with my clients because it's a series of questions that are not just as simple as, what do you want to eat today? It's things that require thought, it requires you to think about the choice you made, what may have caused the choice? What triggered it? Was it something that may not even be in your conscious thought? It could have been something that happened in your past, but that thing has become part of how you make decisions because you may not even be aware that it was traumatic. It’s important to recognize the trigger and how you respond.

In my experience, and this kind of speaks to what led me to coaching, and this whole relationship space, - I didn't want to be divorced from my children's mom, that was her choice. My second marriage, I chose to go. So, I've been on both sides of the equation, I have been put down and I have put down, if you are a caring person, neither one of those feels good.

If you care about people, if you are empathetic, compassionate, that's not something that you would sign up for. I don't think if anyone who's ever been divorced, if they knew that going in, that it would end in divorce. I'm pretty sure they'd probably say I'm not getting married. But the thing about my second marriage, because I wasn't even ready on so many levels, because I didn't even understand why my children's mom no longer wanted to be married, I processed it as, you're blowing up our family, why are you doing this? 

And so, this person who I met, my second wife, she, is a good person, but we shouldn't have been together for a host of reasons that have nothing to do with my first marriage ending. See, what happens is, sometimes when we don't want to face our realities and face our truth, we go on to the next thing called a distraction because it's not the thing that hurts us.

It's not the thing that disappointed us, it's not the thing that frustrated us, it's not the person. And so, you move on to it, absent of really looking at what went wrong, or even in my case, I didn't even take the time to understand it, I just was down. I mean, my first marriage was devastating, emotionally, mentally, financially, it was tough. And so, my second wife, we were cool, we were... I can't say we were friends, we became friends, and eventually, we married. But, what I knew, was that we shouldn't have been married, again, for a host of reasons. The most, or the biggest reason being, I didn't even deal with my own stuff, because I didn't understand it. And so, until I had clarity or peace around that choice, or I'm sorry, around that experience, I really shouldn't have been in any relationship, quite frankly. Because, the reality is, when a person comes out of a relationship and there's someone right there on the wings, that's often a rebound, it's what that's going to be.

So, you get what comes with that. The intuition that comes with the things that are presented to us; we have to trust that. Women have tuition, men, we have guts or our gut feeling. The bottom line is, they both are intended to guide our choices and oftentimes we're not willing to listen, and it can cost you greatly, it costs you dearly when you do that. So, there is a moment of caution that I think is wise to take and that I've learned to take, and this is what led me to coaching, it's what I have learned.

Again, if I can help people not make those types of choices, not because I think that's what you should do, it's not my opinion. Coaching is not opinion; coaching is not advice. Coaching is helping clients come to their own conclusions by asking questions that require them to think about their choices, to make the most informed decision possible that will serve and support them in their lives, their loves, and relationships.

Be sure to read Part 2 of Coach Reg’s interview as he continues to share his coaching model and how it’s beneficial for all types of relationships. 

About: 

Reginald Smith AKA Coach Reg is a Relationship Expert and Author of "Love, Relationships, and Sometimes Just Letting Go." For additional information about Coach Reg and/or his services, visit: https://www.rucoached.com/

Last month we featured Relationship Coach Reginald Smith AKA Coach Reg as he posed the question, “R U Ready for a Real Relationship?” Part 1 of that article focused on Reginald’s journey to becoming a relationship coach. This month we are continuing that conversation with him talking about exclusiveness, narcissism & toxic relationships, and how everyone can benefit from relationship coaching. So, let’s jump back into that interview.

Question: We have talked about this before and I love your take on it. Share with our audience the difference between Dating Exclusively and Exclusivity?

Coach Reg: Sure thing. So, exclusively dating is a paradigm. It looks like there are two people who come together and you're dating and it's like, oh man, there is some cool stuff here, and then all of a sudden, the cream has risen to the top and you've decided that this is the person that I want to date. And so, we have a conversation and then we establish the ground rules.

You decide what that's going to look like, meaning, are we dating other people? Are we just dating each other right now in this exclusively dating space? If there are children, at what point do we introduce children to. When does that happen? Do we even do that yet in this space? Do you meet the people that are closest to me and mean the most to me? Am I ready to do that? We talk about those kinds of things because you are defining the scope or the space of exclusively dating. Here's why this is also important before you tag and title somebody as, "that's my boo," "that's my person." It's because you don't know how they handle things, they may not handle things well.

You don't know. You may not know their values yet, you don't know how they respond to conflict, you don't know how they respond when they're angry, how they treat you, how they treat others. Have you had the opportunity to fully observe them in multiple situations? Now, in fairness, you can't cover it all because some experiences just haven't happened yet, so you don't know how a person is going to respond, because you can only move from which you know. But the point there is, you're doing it with caution to ensure that I can make an informed decision, because at this point of exclusively dating, the space and exclusively dating, what I'm doing and what this person is doing is information gathering. And data gathering, information gathering, the reason you do that is to make an informed decision, to determine if you want to move from exclusively dating to exclusivity.

There’s a trial period in jobs and that can be 90 days or 180 days, depending on the parameters. There’s no difference in relationships because what we are trying to gather data and information. After the period of dating exclusively, you can say, yeah, I'm not sure if this is a good fit because I'm clear on my values, I'm clear on what matters to me, and I know that long term, this is probably not a good fit. Because I've seen some things that give me pause and the things that give me pause, I've had discussions about them.

Both people have a choice, and you may choose not to continue. But if you choose to continue, a formal offer is extended, you accept it, and now you have moved from exclusively dating to exclusivity, meaning, I'm tagging and titling you, you tagging and titling me, and we have an agreement. We have a foundation from which we built from, we've hopefully incorporated some good habits in our relationship that will serve us and support us as we continue down the journey of exclusivity. My contention, no one does that, they just get with somebody, they like them, they're cool, I'm cool, no real homework is done, they're just like, go with it. And they wonder why six months, a year later why we're struggling.

Question: So true! Now tell us a little about the interplay between narcissism and toxicity in relationships?

Coach Reg: Narcissistic tendencies can be present in both men and women, maybe not as 

prevalent in women as it is in men, but it's definitely there. Narcissists tend to be very charismatic, they seem to be very engaging, they seem like they care, until you're drawn in. And then once they know they got you, they're off... All the stuff, all the words, the flowers, the rose, the trips, or whatever things that you were doing to, oh my God, this guy is great, oh my God.

Tread lightly. Let's see how this thing goes because he's about to trip on you. And you got to pay attention, and that's the toxicity because now, what you have, you got that perfectionist kicking in and she's trying to fix him, especially when he starts to drift and starts to mistreat you and not treat you as he once did. You're asking, is it me? What can I do differently? What did I do? And as the perfectionist, she kicks in and she's trying to fix this. But here’s the kicker - that good, good. Sex. 

That thing, listen, it's hard to let go. There were people in my group, women in particular who said the sex is hard to let go of. They're like, you don't understand. Listen, I know, it just be calling you. I got it. But sincerely, it's difficult and I'm not suggesting any of this is easy. It requires a choice. It's a step by step, and listen, how do we eat an elephant? If you were to eat one right now. One big bite or one bite at a time? It's one bite at a time because you got to give yourself grace when you're trying to overcome something. When you're trying to let something go, that you know wasn't good for you.

You recognize it's not good for you, but you also recognize you're not yet strong enough to move past it. It's a little thing called grace that you should extend to yourself, so that you can get there and it's baby steps. And if you need some help with that, that's why you hire a coach. I promise you, coaches help you move from where you are, to where you say you want to be. You got to want your outcome more than you want this pain. It's one thing to say it, but it's another thing to live it. 

Question: Many of us have definitely experiences that at point or another. Last question. Why is relationship coaching so important?

Coach Reg: Coaching is an investment just like your career. It's an investment because it's 

the return. You can invest a $100,000 in student loan debt, just through school, that may take a long time to return or repay. But you did it because you believe that it would provide and afford the lifestyle, that quality of life that you desire for you and your family. But just like with any other career, when you invest in your 401k or contribute to your 401k, it’s because you believe at the end of the rainbow, there’s going to be a bucket of money waiting for you. You don't spend everything right now, this is not an expenditure, it's an investment. You want a return on your investment.

The return on your investment in relationships is learning the skills, and in dating, and learning the skills and tools that you need to be successful so that you can recognize if you're wasting your time. Because it is the most valuable commodity we have. So, why would you not take time to say, let me figure some stuff out before I step out of here. You didn't just start becoming a lawyer, you had some gates to go through, so, if you were willing to accept those gates, becoming an attorney, for example, why would you not put yourself through some gates to ensure you're successful in your relationships? And not just, well, I want to do, but I don't want to do the work. Well, I don't think you can just be an attorney because you want to be one - you got to do some work. And that’s why relationship coaching is vital if you want to succeed in them – especially if they have been challenging for you in the past. 

About: 

Reginald Smith AKA Coach Reg is a Relationship Expert and Author of "Love, Relationships, and Sometimes Just Letting Go." For additional information about Coach Reg and/or his services, visit: https://www.rucoached.com/

Men need this in a woman…

You can get whatever you want from a man if you…

Why men are captivated by feminine energy…

These are just a few of the topics that Kelvin Troy Johnson AKA Love Coach Atlanta, a dating & relationship who helps high value singles find happy, healthy loving relationships, talks about as an expert. We had the pleasure of speaking with Kelvin, and in this interview, he shares “Reasons Your Love Life Sucks.” While blunt and to the point, once you know why you are failing in dating and relationships, you can then transform your behavior so you can become more successful in them. If any of these reasons applies to you, let’s make some slight changes to improve your personal relationships. Now welcome Kelvin Troy Johnson…

Question: Hi Kelvin, thanks for joining us today. Let’s start off with sharing what you do exactly and your journey to getting there as it relates to dating & relationships?

Kelvin: Sure. I'm a dating and relationship coach, helping single, successful, centered women to find successful men for dating, relationships, and love.

Ironically though, my background is actually in working with men. I worked with men for 17 years who were coming out of the system, getting back into life, in recovery houses, and men in the church. I started doing motivational speaking at churches and businesses. I was talking about my experiences and after I would finish talking, women kept coming up to me asking me about their men and relationships. They would say things like, “Tell me what's wrong with this guy? Why is he doing this? Does he love me? Why did he ghost me? What did I do wrong?”

I found myself answering a lot of these questions about male behavior and why men do what they do. So, I started talking about it. I noticed that women were going through a lot of the same issues that the men that I was coaching, were going through - feelings of loneliness, feelings of anxiety about the future, feelings of what do I do with these kids who are watching this whole thing? I got with some other therapists and counselors here in Atlanta, and I created Love Coach Atlanta as a platform. Pretty soon people began to call me the “Love Coach of Atlanta.” That’s how I got that name and just continued to do the work.

Question: Very interesting. Now, in your experience, what are the most common issues that you believe women have in not being able to emotionally connect with men for long-term relationships?

Kelvin: That's a good question. I did a video just recently on the “Reasons Why Your Dating Life Sucks.” These are just some of the reasons why many successful women have an issue in getting into healthy relationships.

1) Living in a Dream World. You have this idea of what the future is going to be and how things are going to be. However, you must understand that you're dealing with real people who have flaws. Everybody that you get in a relationship with has been in a relationship before. They've been somewhere and you've been somewhere and all of it has shaped you to be who you are. 

You have to have realistic ideas about what's going to be good for your life and what's going to be good going forward. Listen to what the other person is saying. Don't just be so quick to shift the conversation to yourself. I especially have to have this conversation with our successful sisters, right? Because they're so proud of their accomplishments, where they've gone through, what they've done, and they just want to share. Pull back some and allow it to organically unfold. I'm not telling you to be secretive, but you don't have to pour it all out to show how great you are. He's going to discover how wonderful you are in due time.

2) Moving Too Fast. We live in a fast-paced time right now and things are just moving, moving, moving. And we think that relationships should move fast too. Times are moving fast, but relationships are still the same way they were 100 years ago. You know, a person meets another person, and you have to get to know them. We think that because you have access to a person’s Instagram or Facebook that you know them. But you don't and it takes time to develop a relationship. So, if you ever get with somebody and it seems like it's moving fast, then that’s a red flag. It's like a rose. If you see a rose develop too fast, there's something wrong with that rose. That rose has been implanted with something that is not going to be helpful. The same thing with love – just take your time.

3) Everything is About You. The third reason your dating life sucks is because everything is about you. It's you, you, you all the time. Black girl magic. Now you should absolutely be proud of who you are, but you don't have to shine your light in somebody's face all the time. Opposed to being the showpiece, I always encourage the ladies to let the man talk. Now some guys will talk continuously, but they should really be collecting data. You both should be trying to figure each other out. The number one question to me when I'm listening to somebody to see if they're going to be a match is, “Do your futures match?” That's one of the things I'm listening for. Do your futures match not just today, but in the future? 

4) Resistant to Change.  Many people are just stuck in the thing that they did last time. However, you must be willing to do something different if you want a different result. You have to put yourself out there for something different instead of just saying that you just want to find love again. My advice is to let your light on the inside shine bright and somebody is going to be attracted to that light on the inside. But you have to have the outside pop too - you do. Look, your hair in the bonnet is not going to work out for you the way you want it to. That’s the truth. If you want to be attractive to a quality man, get as fit as you can and look good. Men are attracted with their eyes, and they'll fall in love with your energy. 

5) You Don't Love Yourself Enough. When you love yourself, you create a path for the next person to follow. Do you know why some people get treated badly in relationships? They get treated badly because the person is coming in the relationship doesn’t have a pattern to follow as to how they should treat you. So, you know what they do? They come up with their own path. And a lot of times their pattern is from the last person, so they treat you like they treated the last person unless you cut a path for the new person to follow. Take yourself out to a high-end restaurant if you like high end restaurants. If you fly, fly yourself in first class sometime, right? What you are doing is teaching yourself how to love yourself. And then when you get with a man, he'll sense how to treat you and that tells him what the expectation is. You know, a confused mind just doesn't do anything and doesn't take any action. A man creates a checklist in his mind, saying okay, she likes these things, she's into this or that, and this is what makes her smile. Every man wants to make you smile. He wants to satisfy you in every way. 

Question: Ok, got it. But what about the woman that loves, treats, and spoils herself already?

Kelvin: Now there are a lot of women who do have it all. Here's the thing - it goes with a culture. Some women need more of that than another woman. Some women live a culture where they just love their life. I'm already loving my life and I really love myself and I take the time to do that. Either way you're creating a path for another person to follow. If you have the loving yourself part down, that's still a path for somebody to look at and say, okay, this is the life. This is her love. This is what she loves about her life. And she goes forward with that. And I think that's important. So sometimes you're already living the self-love life. Some people are not. Some people will allow anybody into their life. But if you're loving your life and it ain't broke, don't try to fix it. Everybody doesn’t need to heal. Some people are okay right after a relationship. They have cut the ties that they needed to cut and they're moving on with their life. If that's you, that's wonderful - keep going with that. But some people need to be more focused on the self-love piece.

For more information about KelvinTroy Johnson, visit www.lovecoachatlanta.com

Young Woman in her 20’s: Do you believe there is a such thing as “The One”?

Me: The one what? LOL!

I hate to be the one to break it to you but…there is no such thing as “The One”. LOL! Ok, ok…But seriously I don’t believe in very many absolutes and in my opinion the idea of “The One” is one of them. 

So let me get this straight…of all the billions of people in the world there is only ONE person I’m compatible with? Hmmmm …sounds absolute AND limiting(😬). It’s absolutely limiting, if I’m being honest, and causes more harm than good.

Fairy tales. A “fairy tale” is defined by Oxford Language Dictionary as “a fabricated story, especially one intended to deceive” or “something resembling a fairy tale in being magical, idealized, or extremely happy.” Whoa…did you peep that?! Yet from the moment we are tiny little girls we are fed the idea of Prince Charming, that he is real and that our Prince Charming is waiting to rescue us. ( 🙄) Just stop it! Right now. 

Carrying that mentality through dating and relationships sets you and potential partners up for failure. It creates unreasonable expectations. Just imagine you have been searching for “Prince Charming” in a sea of fallible human beings( Psst. you are also a fallible human being) and when you don’t find him, you think something is wrong with you?! Unproductive.

Heaux tales. Our society loves to tie a woman’s worth to whether or not she has a man. Yet, women get “slut shamed” for dating or just being associated with more than one man. The hypocrisy. Thankfully, I am seeing a shift in that mentality among women. Women are taking more ownership of their sexuality, being more vocal about there wants and needs as it pertains to sex and relationship, and refusing to be “slut shamed”. Many are also divesting from the idea that the traditional route of marriage and family as being the only route to happiness. I love that for them. 👏🏿

Tall tales. This idea of there being ONE perfect person for you, while on it’s face appears encouraging, it actually isn’t. It perpetuates the scarcity myth. It perpetuates the idea that something is wrong with YOU if you haven’t met(and married) your ONE person. It’s a lie. The world is full of people who can add value to your life. There is abundance all around us. Moving through life with tunnel vision, fixated on an ideal that doesn’t exist, not only robs you of many experiences but it places a heavy burden on you and potential partners. Stop it. Right now, please. See the infinite possibilities that the world has to offer and approach dating and meeting people with an abundance mindset, regardless of whether you are dating “with intention” or dating for fun. It will serve you better in the long run.

-Chic-a, The Self-Love Advocate

About:

Chic-a is a Self-Love Advocate and her passion for art and empowering others led her to publish her first book, "Naked: a memoir" which is a coffee table book and fine art nudes and passages promoting self-love and self-discovery. "Naked: a memoir" can be purchased at www.nakedmemoir.com or on Amazon. For more artful self-love inspiration and naked truths, follow Chic-a on social media @nakedmemoir. 

The term "Situationship" is so perfectly descriptive that even the first time you heard it, you likely knew exactly what it meant. That's because many of us have been in them, either as the perpetrator or the victim. 

 
Ok, maybe the words "perpetrator" and "victim" are too harsh of words, but you get my point. I've been both, and at one time I was likely both with the same person. That's another story for another day, but regardless of your role in a situationship, it's usually pretty beneficial for one party and it absolutely sucks for the other. 

Now, the definition of a situationship may vary, especially depending on your age and generation. However, if you are 30 and older, this definition probably applies to you and we will discuss signs that indicate whether you are in a situationship and if so, how to get out of them.

 
A "Situationship" is an undefined romantic relationship, that is more than friends with benefits but less than a committed or exclusive relationship after dealing with a person for 6 or more months. The 2 of you communicate often, many times daily, you see one another frequently, you enjoy dates and trips together, and may have met one another's friends and family. Despite all of these things though, you two do not have a specific label. You've been going with the flow, enjoying each other's company, yet the introductions are simply the other person's first name or as a friend. 

Going with the flow was fine initially, but now one of you wants something more defined. Then again, why as a society are we so concerned with titles? Because titles come with specific perks and responsibilities, just like at the workplace. 

 
Also, how do you know if you are even in a "situationship?" Well, if you aren't sure, here are 5 signs that a person is in a situationship. And you only need to have one of these to be in a situationship.

5 Signs That You Are in a Situationship:

1. Avoidance - One or both people avoid talking about being in a relationship or labeling the relationship. This is called “Going with the Flow,” which left to its own devices leads to one of the people ultimately drowning.

 
2. Holidays and Events- Despite going out on dates or taking trips together, don't spend holidays or other important events together.

 
3. Prior Disclosure - If a person tells you that he or she doesn't want to be in a relationship, believe them! It’s oftentimes not that they don’t want to be in a relationship, they just don’t want to be in a relationship with you. However, know that they may still recognize that you’re a good or nice person or even care about you. Not wanting to hurt your feelings, they may also say things like "I’m still dealing with a past relationship" or "I'm not ready”. Yet you're doing all of the relationship things, but without officially being a couple. You're a good person, but not good enough. He or she will continue to string you along until they find someone they really want to pursue. 

 
4. After the Break-Up- When you break up with your partner but you're still in contact and see one another frequently you are in a situationship because you no longer have an agreed-upon obligation to each other anymore. The feelings are still there and you're familiar with each other. The only thing that has changed is that technically you two aren't obligated and going out with another person is no longer a violation of the relationship, but likely painful if the other person finds out. 

5. Fear of Being Alone- You desire and know that you deserve better than what the other person is providing, but you continue to stick around because you would really feel alone without them. The fear of being alone can be paralyzing. It's a very real and valid feeling - but also unacceptable if you really and truly desire more from a relationship. Facing and conquering your fears is one of the most empowering things that a person can do, be it in work, family, or love. If you are in a situationship out of fear of being alone, then check out this ARTICLE (Titled, "What Your Fear of Being Alone is Really About and How to Get Over It")
 

Okay, so now you know what a situationship is, and identify with one of the above indicators. Everyone's situationship presents differently though. If you're still unsure as to whether or not you are in one, simply trust your gut feeling. If you are unsure about your status in someone's life and that causes you some degree of uncertainty, frustration, or anxiety, then you are likely in a situationship.

With that being said, if you have determined that you or someone you know is in a situationship, there are ways to end it. 

Terminating a situationship will likely result in one of two ways:

1) You end up in a full-blownRegardless relationship with the other person; or

2) You get your feelings hurt because the feelings are not reciprocated. 

Either way, you have clarity and that is gold. Now you know where you stand and regardless of the outcome, you can move forward. 

Don't worry though, we won't leave you hanging. If you believe that you are in a situationship, there are 3 things that you can do to get out of it. 

3 Steps on How to get out of a “Situationship” if you actually want to be in a Committed Relationship:

 
1. Acknowledgment - The first step in starting or ending anything is acknowledging that there is a situation - no pun intended. Ok, well maybe a little. You would be surprised at how many people deny that they are in a situationship. They try to make excuses as to why their situation is different or an exception. One’s gut will tell you even if you deny. Regardless, you must acknowledge that you’re in Situationship; 

 
If you have to ask things like:

“What are we?” 

“Are we together?” 

“Where is this going?”

 
then you’re likely in a situationship. Accept and acknowledge this fact and then you can deal with it directly.

 
2. Communicate - The single most important aspect in any relationship is communication. If you want to take your situationship to the next level, then have a serious conversation with the other person and let them know how you feel, where you stand and where you would like for this to go. And then allow the other person to express how they feel about being in an exclusive relationship with you. Do not get upset or angry, just let them be honest about their intentions, wants, and desires. 

 
3. Decide - After you have your conversation, then it is time to decide what happens next. If both of you desire to be in a committed relationship, then great, do just that. However, if one person wants to be in an exclusive or more serious relationship and the other doesn't then you can cease your dealings with that other person. However, if you decide to continue to see that other person that has expressed that they don't want to be in a relationship with you, then know the emotional risks that come with that decision. Whether you decide to end the situationship altogether or continue, it is strongly recommended that you start dating other people. 

 
When you start to date other people at this point, then there are only positive outcomes that will likely result. 

 
1) The other person may wake up and realize that he or she has made a big mistake, reconsider their previous position, and decide that exploring a more committed relationship is what they desire; or 

 
2) You open your life to other people that may be interested in pursuing a serious relationship and possibly marriage with you.

It's a win-win! 

Always remember, your heart can heal, you can replenish your bank account, but you can NEVER get your time back. The older you become, the more precious your time becomes. If you know that you deserve better, go pursue better!

About: 

Tamika Michelle Johnson, AKA the “Matchmaking Attorney,” is an Attorney, Speaker & Owner of Platinum Connections, an exclusive matchmaking agency for highly successful professionals. For additional information, visit www.MyPlatinumConnections.com.

I often talk to both men and women about things that they desire in a potential spouse or partner. The responses range from physical preferences, income requirements, generosity, and much more. But ultimately, everyone wants to be respected, heard, and loved unconditionally. Those qualities come in all colors, shapes, and sizes; however, society glorifies the tall, the curvy, the pretty, and the handsome.  When we meet someone who we enjoy talking to and spending time with, many become conflicted when that person doesn’t embody society’s preferred physical qualities. 

Then recently, I came across a couple, Myra and Shane, who embodied love, admiration, and appreciation of one another, despite Myra being a statuesque woman at 5’9 - almost a half-foot taller than Shane. Yet Shane, a successful attorney and sports agent, has the same masculinity and confidence of the tallest of men. More importantly, he is an amazing husband and provider for Myra and their family. 

Myra knows this, and is so appreciative of Shane, especially after previously being in an emotionally abusive relationship with someone else. Their relationship intrigued me so much that I reached out to Myra to see if she would share their love story. She did and it was more than I could have imagined. Love transcends the physical, and their relationship is proof that at the end of the day, how a person makes you feel behind closed doors is critical in choosing a life partner and mate. 

As I share Myra’s interview, remember, forget about what people may say about you as couple. If he or she warms your heart, spirit, and soul, then they are a keeper. Here’s a portion of the interview with Myra:

Question: Thank you so much for sharing your journey Myra! Let’s start off with how you and Shane met?

Myra: So, at Southern University, I'm not sure if you're aware, we couldn’t have cars as freshmen. My suitemates used to call Shane, who was a sophomore, and he used to drive and come get us and bring us across the hump to McDonald's to get food. I was just riding along because my suitemates had a way to get food. 

Fast forward to my sophomore year at Southern, Shane's junior year. I pledged Delta and he pledged Alpha. We threw parties together and did different things with the Alphas. Well, that summer I ended up breaking up with a football player and Shane and I started really talking on the phone and just really became friends. We got closer and closer and closer. Then, after Shane graduated, he was supposed to be hooking me up with this guy. I went to his [Shane’s] house, and we're waiting and waiting and waiting. And now it's like 10 o'clock. And I'm like, “You know what? I don't have time for this.” Shane’s like, “let's just wait 30 more minutes” and I said “okay.” So, we're just sitting down talking. And it's like before you know it is like we're literally almost face to face. And I'm like, what's happening? We're about to kiss. And I'm like, whoa, we don't get down like that, what’s happening? This is not okay. We're friends and friends don’t kiss.

Five minutes later, the guy shows up. We were kind of looking at each other. Like, you know what, we're never gonna talk about this again. This didn't happen. We’re cool, right? Yeah, we're cool. Nothing happened. We kept it moving and the guy came, and we tried for like two weeks and it was like no, I wasn't interested in him. A month after that situation happened is when Shane and I realized you know what, maybe we should try dating. He was like, okay, let's do this! I was really scared though because really by this time, I valued my friendship with him, and he meant so much to me as a friend. I knew that by starting a relationship, I felt that I would possibly end up losing my best friend in the long run. And I didn't want to do that. So, I told him we could possibly lose our friendship by us dating and I don't even know if it's worth it. I really do value your friendship and you're such a great person. And he was like, but what if it does work?  So, we gave it a shot, and I loved him. You know, it was it was amazing. It was a great relationship. We had so much fun. And what ended up happening was I graduated with my bachelor's by then and he graduated with his master's, and then he went to law school. 

Question: So, your relationship just grew from there?

Myra: Not exactly. As you know, as a law school student, one thing he did not have time for was a relationship. He was in his first semester of law school; make it or break it and I was in a different headspace. I mean, even though I was 22 years old, you know, here I am thinking I have a degree. I'm a teacher. I'm ready to settle down. I need somebody that's ready to settle down and Shane was obviously in a different place because he was just trying to keep his head above water in law school. So, we decided after that first semester to just be friends. 

Question: Wow! What happened after that?

Myra: Basically, I became involved in a bad relationship. So, I will say this, and I think that this is something that's going to really, hopefully, help somebody that reads this. One thing that I learned through that bad relationship that I was in, is sometimes when you're in a good relationship, you take it for granted. Right? When you have a good a good guy. You know that he is upstanding and is a Christian. You take advantage of that, and you think that that's the norm, and you quickly forget how truly rare it is. And that's what Shane was to me - he was a good guy. He was, you know, the kind of guy that opens doors, looks out for me, that always puts me first. 

And I took advantage of that. I didn't realize how good he was to me until I was in a bad relationship. Being in that bad relationship made me realize that. The new guy that I was dating was taller than me. He had muscles. He was an entrepreneur. He had his own money. Like, everything was great, but he treated me like crap. He was verbally abusive, and he had other chicks on the side. I allowed myself to stay in that situation when I should have not done that. I wouldn't have had to go through that had I stuck in out with Shane. But sometimes we go based off looks and not based off what's right for us. And that's where I messed up.

Anyway, fast forward to 2006. I ended up breaking up that situation and Shane and I reconnected in Dallas and started dating again. I literally had to take things super slow with him and he was very patient with me. But after 2 years, Shane was like, you know I love you. You know, you're the one for me, he said, but this is just not the Myra that I used to know. I was still kind of broken at the time. And by him being so transparent with me, he made me realize that I needed to seek help, to talk to someone to help get over those demons that I had experienced from that other relationship. By him telling me that, I was able to seek counseling. I went to counseling through the church that I was attending at the time, the Potter's House, and it was so beneficial to me. It helped to get some of those emotions that I buried out of my system. It helped me open my heart to have a new relationship and a fresh relationship with Shane. And after I got myself together, we got back together, and we got engaged and ended up getting married in 2011. And the rest is history.

Question: What do you think is the reason that you and Shane have such a good relationship?

Myra: With us being friends we got to know each other differently. Because when you're a friend to someone, you're not looking at them for their physical, you're looking at their heart you're looking at the kind of person that character traits. That's when you really get to know a person - when you stop looking at the physical and get to know the person inside. And that's what our friendship was about - really being there for each other. And I mean talking on the phone for hours, but just strictly as friends. But somehow, you know, just one day those lines crossed, and when they crossed it was almost like a veil that came from over my face and I was like, Oh my gosh, he treats you well. He treats you amazingly!

Question: Now with the height difference between you and Shane, do people ever comment on it?

Myra: As a teacher, I've had students who have said, “Your husband is shorter than you.” And I say that I love what's different. Sometimes love looks like a man that might be of one ethnicity and a woman of another ethnicity. And they come together because love is love. Love is not based on your height, size, or color. That's how I look at it, and I married my husband because he loves me and he’s a good guy. 

Question:Thanks for joining Tinzley! Let's just start off by telling our readers how & why you became a Relationship Coach.

Tinzley: So it actually started some years ago, many years ago, back in 2008 when I had a blog called "And You Wanna See My Feet." I talked about guys who were always judging women's appearance all the time while they weren't, in my opinion, up to par or have any room to judge if you know what I mean. So I would write these funny quirky blogs. And I'm like, can you believe this guy looking like this had the nerve to ask to see my feet or asked to see if I had a flat stomach? You know? So the blog got a lot of traction and attention and I started to comment on people who were like in the same business as me on places like Twitter, you know, back then, I don't even think we had IG and all of that. So I would be on Twitter and I would do some YouTube videos.

After that I eventually turned my blog into a book. So it was like a blog to books slash my own personal experience, being a single mom raised by a single mom and watching my daughter go through the same things I had gone through in dating, which was dealing with a lot of not so good situations when it came to relationships.

So I said, you know, I'm tired. It was clear as day that my daughter was going through it, I went through it, my sister went through it, and of course, my mom who ended up being divorced from our father went through it. And I said, what is going on in this world? Why are so many women ending up in these unhealthy relationships where they are not making the best decisions?

And I'm not putting the blame only on women. But I ask that question all the time. So it led me to believe that there was a confidence or a self-esteem issue or many times we were just dealing with trying to have a mate in our life so we wouldn't feel like we were by ourselves and it made me wanna educate women more on not allowing toxic behavior. So I went ahead and wrote the book where I started talking about signs to pay attention to so that you won't end up with the wrong mate. And that's what made me become a coach, just my own experience, observing my family experience and of course people around me in the world's overall experiences in dating.

Question: Why do you believe many successful women have challenges in dating and relationships?

Tinzley: You know, many times women are either single moms and so we're having to go to extra mile wearing both the father and the mom's hat in this upbringing of the child or children. And I think that a lot of women do deserve to be in a situation where there's someone there to help them to get over the hurdle. It's not always necessarily, "I want you to just take care of everything for me, dude. I want you to pay all my bills, dude. I want you to pay my car note. I want you to put me in the house. I want you to just pamper me." It's not just about that. A lot of women are very independent. They have their own, they have their own money. They have their own house. It's just a feeling of being accepted for who you are, loved a hundred percent for who you are by the right mate who's looking for the same thing you're looking for, which is to settle down with one good person who he's aligned with. And I think we deserve that. 

We deserve to be in a relationship that's committed, that's dedicated and loyal to just one woman, which is us, by a man who knows that that's what he wants and he comes and he gives it to us. And he doesn't mind giving us the extras because he loves us and wants to make life easier for us, you know?

Question: Why do you believe many successful women settle in relationships?

Tinzley: A lot of women are so good at so many different things. You know, I even say that about myself. But when it comes to discernment and what they're gonna allow in their relationships, unfortunately they just don't. 

They see themselves sometimes as a mother figure, women are nurturers. We are always trying to nurture. If you go to most companies, the woman is always the administrative assistant or the executive. She's always handling the ordering. I had that role before, twice for jobs in my life. 

We're always the ones trying to make sure the meals are ordered.

You know, even at home, we're making sure lunch is done, meals are cooked, the man's clothes are washed, my clothes are washed, the kids are taken care of. 

We're always nurturing. So when we meet a man, the first thing that comes to mind is, I'm gonna show this man that I'm that girl. I'm gonna make his life easy. 

If he's trying to run a business, I'm gonna play executive assistant there and help him grow that business. I'm gonna be the one to help him iron his clothes. I'm gonna show him he doesn't have to ever worry about anything to eat, cuz I'm gonna cook a hot meal every day. So we put ourselves up here to prove our value and our worth and a lot of times the man is not bringing anything in that relationship of worth to us, but we see so much potential. Oh, he's so cute. He got that good, good. You know what I mean? And we want that. 

So sometimes we'll deal with that because, well, at least it's good and I'm not by myself. You know, we'll settle just to have a man, because someone said, you're at a point where you need to be settling down. 

What is wrong with you? You know, we're always blaming ourselves and asking what is wrong with us. So we just accept and allow anybody, even if he's kinda like verbally abusive to us, if he's not attentive, you know, if he's constantly belittling us, not making us feel good, not doing all the stuff I just told you. I'm ready to come into his life and just be his world. 

He's coming to my life giving me mediocrity. But I allow it because I saw that little bit of ounce of potential. So a lot of women do that. So that's why I said I'm not settling anymore. Settle free dating method for women, we're not settling around here anymore. Not for less than we deserve.

Question: Absolutely! Now as a Coach, what services do you offer?

Tinzley: Some women have experienced devastating breakups and they just need to heal from that devastating breakup. They need to make wiser dating choices, which is where I come in. Because if you leave one relationship, why are you gonna fall for the same kind of behavior? So I come in with helping them to not make those bad decisions again and what they need to be looking for. 

I nurture the spirit. I help clients to find peace within their relationship lifestyles like the personal challenges that they may be going through in relationships. I help them achieve their individual life goals for that relationship.

For more information on Tinzley Bradford, visit or follow her on: https://www.tinzleybradford.com/

When you graduated from college, landed your dream job, started your own business, and became financially successful, who would have thought that it would be this hard to find a compatible mate? I’m guessing you didn't, but here you are anyway.

You’re constantly being told that when the time is right that the "one" for you will

come into your life. However, after years of being in the dating game, your patience is

wearing thin, and you question whether you will ever meet the right person. You are happy for those around you who have found love, but when will it be your turn?

Sooner than you think if you start dating S.M.A.R.T.!

There is a systematic process to dating effectively and efficiently, and the S.M.A.R.T. Model of dating can absolutely fill your dating calendar with great potential quality partners for healthy relationships.

How do I know this? Because if you are or have been successful in business and your career, then you can be successful in dating & relationships.

The S.M.A.R.T. Dating Model particularly resonates with high-achieving individuals

because we understand the importance of implementing systems and processes in

our professional lives. Yet, many of us rarely apply some of those same

processes to dating and relationships. Despite relationships being primarily

emotionally based, there are great business principles that you can use in

your personal life for better dating results. Better dates increase your likelihood of getting involved in a healthy relationship to start.

Once you accept the fact that you should treat dating like a business, everything

else will fall into place. The most important thing to understand is that dating is like sales on several different levels. First and foremost, the more you do it, the better you get at it. And that makes sense because if you only go on a handful of dates a year, you’re not going to be efficient at it. Furthermore, you are going to try to immediately attach yourself to the first person who shows an inkling of interest, even if it’s only for sex. Men are way more efficient in dating and many women need to learn how to be more efficient in dating as well.

Now you may be thinking that approaching dating like a business is, well, too much like a business. To that I say, yes it is but don’t focus on the word business. Instead, focus on learning the process of dating S.M.A.R.T. to minimize wasting your time.

We have the same routine when we get out of bed, shower, or brush our teeth in the

morning, and that’s a process. 

In business there is (S)elling, (M)arketing, (A)ttending Events, (R)esearching, and

(T)raining. That is the S.M.A.R.T. Dating Model that I created, and it works to

attract the type of potential partners that you desire. You must implement all those

systems to have a successful career and/or business. Now take those same principles

and apply them to dating. Additionally, the benefits of S.M.A.R.T. Dating are referred to as the three (3) C’s: 

1) Control - Control your dating calendar because the more connections you make,

the more opportunities you have to go out with a variety of people;

2) Competition – Competition results in earlier Commitment as many suitors step up their game if they feel like they may lose you to someone else;

3 ) Chooser – You put yourself in the position of being the Chooser instead of amongst the ones desiring to be Chosen.

Of course, there are several methods and techniques within each step of the S.M.A.R.T.

Dating Model, but you should already be able to see how planning and strategizing your

personal life is just as important as it is in your business, education, and career.

So, if you are tired of swiping, clicking, and mindlessly meeting random people who are not even close to aligning with your values, consider S.M.A.R.T. Dating so you can dominate and succeed in your personal life just as you have your professional life.

About: 

Tamika Michelle Johnson, AKA the “Matchmaking Attorney,” is an Attorney, Speaker & Owner of Platinum Connections, an exclusive matchmaking agency for highly successful professionals. For additional information, visit www.MyPlatinumConnections.com.